Poking Holes in ‘The News’

a.k.a What Gets Me Really Riled When I’m Stuck In Bed All Weekend With The Dreaded Lurgy And No-one To Rant To About The Appalling Lack Of Weekend News Coverage… (I mean really, News Radio, what makes you think AFL is proper radio OR news? Ditto, BBC World Service and your endless Premier League wrap-ups).

1: North Korea invents new “super noodle”

Attn: North Korea

Re: Food

You know what would nourish people and help them feel fuller, for longer? MORE FOOD. Surely growing more actual food (as opposed to spending all your foreign aid on live lobsters and silver chopsticks) is cheaper than all the time and labour and creepy science that goes into inventing a whole new kind of noodle. Besides, everyone knows that 2-minute Mi Goreng is the world’s highest-calorie noodle. Uni students are way ahead of you, Kim Baby.

2: “Newsflash: She’s pregnant” [sic]

The Sydney Morning Herald has an ‘exclusive’ on the hard-earned contents of Deborah Knight’s uterus. They call it an exclusive. I call it overshare. And in poor taste. And also… not news.

3: Abandoned whale still suffering

How is posthumously renaming a whale ‘Colette’ in any way going to make up for the indignity of having called it Colin in the first place, even though it was a girl… AND A WHALE?! If we really cared, it would have been nicknamed ‘Wheeeoooooooooeeeooooo-brrrzcjk-brrrrzcjk’ (or somesuch).

4: No. 10 slams brakes on Jezza’s drive for PM

But look here! Breaking News! Someone in the British Government has a sense of humour! (And I am quite willing to accept that it is just one guy with too much time on his hands). Also, pretty conclusive proof that Jeremy Clarkson, of Top Gear fame, is not going to be the next British PM. Although it’s not going to put off the tens of thousands who signed the official Jeremy Clarkson for PM Petition, nor the hundreds of thousands who would have, but were too busy daydreaming of Bugatti Veyron(s?) and trying to identify the man inside The Stig. Sadly, Reuters’ link to the clip is broken, so I’ve taken the liberty of embedding it below.

The unofficially official (officially unofficial?) No. 10 Downing St response
to Jeremy Clarkson’s Prime Ministerial Ambitions.

First published at tumblr Proof (v.)