The Trans-Ditch Lexicon (or why Kiwis and Aussies don’t understand each other and never will)

First published at tumblr Proof (v.)

The scene: A supermarket parking lot. It could be Queenstown, NZ. It could just as well be Sydney, AU. There’s only one way to tell: walk into the nearest café and order a cappuccino. If it comes in a bowl, with a dusting of cinnamon instead of chocolate, and a dish of coffee crystals instead of sugar, you’re almost definitely in Kiwiland (lucky thing).

Kiwi: Did you get the Hokey Pokey ice-cream?
Aussie: Hokey Pokey? As in, left hand, right hand, shake it all about?
Kiwi: Hokey Pokey. As in Violet Crumble. As in Crunchie bar.
Aussie: Mate, you mean honeycomb.
Kiwi: Err, honeycomb is what you pull out of a beehive….
Aussie: Whatever. Can you just take the shopping trolley…
Kiwi: …you mean Trundler…
Aussie: Whatever. Can you take it back to the trolley return…
Kiwi:… you mean trundler park…
Aussie: Stop it. Trundler Park sounds like a wildlife preserve in Colorado. Anyway, hurry up, I could murder a pint right now.
Kiwi: You mean a Handle… But yeah, good idea. And a wee pottle of chips too.
Aussie: A WHAT?!
Kiwi: A wee pottle of chips.
Aussie: A WHAT?!
Kiwi: Sure, it LOOKS like a cup, but I call it a pottle. And it’s wee, as opposed to large.
Aussie: You’re nuts, mate. Or wasted. Just get in the four wheel drive. I’ll drive.
Kiwi: You mean the Bully Bus, eh bro?
Aussie: Okay, I’m ignoring you now. Oh look, it’s snowing.
Kiwi: Nah, it’s just a wee skiff of snow.
Aussie: A WHAT?!
Kiwi: A wee skiff of snow. You know, as opposed to a big snowfall…
Aussie: S***! Bloody speed bumps.
Kiwi: It’s just a wee judder bar. Don’t get your skats in a knot.
Aussie: Skats? A scat is what a wombat does when it goes to the dunny… And would you stop saying ‘wee’? You sound like an incontinent Scotsman.

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